So, You Shut Your Blog Down…
I’m not sure how this post is going to go - it might just be a bunch of horrendous rambling, for which I apologise in advance.
I tried writing something with a similar title back in May last year, and from the fact it never got uploaded and that I’m now writing this one almost a year later you can probably guess how things have been going.
It started last February when my employer announced they needed to make 400 people redundant as a preventative cost-saving measure. They initially promised us we’d know more by May, then July…we ended up getting answers in November. Staff were not consulted at any part in the process, which lead to the first suggested plan being so laughably unworkable that the (highly controversial) consultancy firm that made the suggestions wiped their hands of it, declared their job done, and left with the millions they charged us. In the end I kept my job but got moved under a different manager to the one I’ve worked with for five-ish (?) years, which was extremely upsetting, but at the same time we were grateful just to still have jobs.
The new structure came into effect in January 2025 and it’s been extremely difficult. There’s a lot of confusion, a lot of unhappiness. I had five colleagues resign in one month and multiple people have been signed off with sickness. It’s been a really unhappy, high-stress, time and I’ve had some health worries of my own that were exacerbated by everything. I don’t see any improvement on the horizon, but equally I don’t have much in the way of options to leave. I pride myself on my hard work and dedication, but I am at the limit of what I can take.
In addition, my family has had a lot of sickness. When I was writing in May I had my months-old niece, my nan, and my granny, all in hospital. They all pulled through, thankfully, but my granny has had to go into a care home because of rapidly declining dementia. Since then two of my uncles both ended up in hospital on the same day, and one is now undergoing treatment for cancer and the other is recovering from multiple strokes. It’s been a lot. A lot of fear, a lot of worry, a lot of waiting, and still a lot of hoping.
So unsurprisingly my mental health has been atrocious. I started attending a 12 week art therapy group around April/May, which was great for carving out some designated quiet space in all the chaos. That came to an end and in October/November I was fortunate enough to start another 12 week group around DBT - Dialectical Behavioural Therapy - which was, honestly, a revelation. I’ve had multiple courses of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) over the years because it is the NHS default offering (I’ve heard it’s the cheapest option), but I’ve also heard that CBT doesn’t do much for the neurodiverse and I’d agree. But DBT was fascinating and I feel like I genuinely learned a lot. Putting it into practice is a more long-term project, but I’m really glad I had the opportunity to go.
But that’s all the support options for me exhausted. I’ve been discharged from the mental health team and, while I’m still medicated, I’m kind of under my own protection and care for now. It is a constant, 24/7, job just keeping myself together and vaguely functional.
As such I have kind of struggled to manage to do anything I love any more. Reading especially just hasn’t happened. I don’t know why it feels so difficult just to pick up a book - and I’ve tried a few times - but I just can’t sink into a story and stay there. Concentrating on anything has been a struggle. It’s strange, but the more I think I’ll like something the harder it is to make myself read/watch/do it. Like a part of me isn’t sure how to cope with the possibility of overwhelming positive emotions after all this time.
So that’s where I am right now.
I must also admit I’ve been falling a little out of love with bookish spaces too. There have been things that have happened over the last year and when I’ve tried expressing my concerns I got a lot of hate in return. People tried to tell me I was making a big deal of nothing, that I was trying to incite panic, and that it didn’t matter because it was a situation that didn’t impact them personally. It has made me question a lot if it’s actually a space I want to be in. There were also similar responses from authors, who I understand are caught between a rock and a hard place, but some of those were authors I loved very dearly and that’s also been a hard pill to swallow.
But fundamentally I still love books. And I want better for authors, for readers, and for the industry as a whole. And I’m stubborn AF. So sometimes that might mean saying difficult things and having people hate me, I just have to stand by my convictions and take it. Unfortunately the world has changed a lot since I last posted too, in ways that thrive in silence and compliance, and I’ve realised I’m not particularly good at either.
So I might be back? If I’m not I apologise - if you’re curious you can find me on Threads most often, but I’ve also been trying out the new bookish social media site Tome. Same username - MissHelenJuneReads :)
Hope to be back soon,
